Category Archives: Advice Column

Dear Joy…

What once was a title to be had in shame is now raised on a banner in hero status and that title is being a single mother. Yasira Sonnier knows all too well the tale of being a single mom. Her first marriage resulted in divorce and she found herself being a single mother of two young boys. She found herself being a college graduate without work experience because she was a stay at home wife and mother.

At the age of 28 her first job paid seven dollars per hour. To make budget for bills and other finances Yasira found a second job that paid eleven dollars per hour. Their father was active in their lives, but she was the primary caretaker and desperately wanted to be all things to her children. She struggled with not being enough for her children. The new responsibility of providing for her own home as well as her children was a curve ball of emotional distress.

 

Thanks so much for posing your question. First I want to commend you for desiring and striving to succeed in your marriage. I also understand the need to keep some of your marital details private.

Regarding the current situation, I personally believe this is a test for you. This situation is a tool that can be used to help you mature in the Lord and thus be a better you. It’s time for you to make a shift. It’s time for change to take place within you, your way of thinking, your personality, and your identity. This may be uncomfortable, but this is exciting.

First, make the decision to trust your husband. Say it out loud – “I trust my husband”. Don’t trust him based on whether he deserves your trust or earned your trust. Actively make the decision to trust him – no matter what. Then cease the snooping. I understand why you snoop and I’m not judging, but let’s move on from this step in your test. Don’t beat yourself up, just move off the snooping onto the next step. If you need to know something, it will find you; you do not have to search for it.

You stated you want to believe in your marriage and continue to move forward. Then, do just that…believe in your marriage and be happy. You have no new, justifiable reason not to. I suggest you don’t bother your husband with your suspicions if there is no tangible reason to do so. It will only aggravate him and cause turmoil for you both.

After you DECIDE to trust your husband, then turn the attention to your prayer life and spiritual walk with God. Like I stated earlier, this is about you. Make a prayer commitment. I’m not sure what your prayer life is like, but start small. Commit to 5 minutes first thing in the morning. It may not sound like much, but it’s powerful. Take your concerns to the Lord and ask Him to help you. Find a book that deals with trusting God. Check your filter and go on a fast. What are you feeding yourself? Are you watching and listening to things that do not benefit you spiritually? You can fast from food or you can fast from things like social media or anything that does not strengthen your relationship with God. Take a break from those things. Remember, when you take away these things you have to fill the holes with something spiritually beneficial. Attend regular church services and additional sources like bible study or Sunday School. Whether you attend a church you are excited about or not, go expecting to hear from God and God will give you what you need. Sometimes He gives a big dose of what you need and sometimes it’s a small dose, but go expecting.

You have to arm yourself with tools to overcome the growing suspicion in your head. If you don’t actively arm yourself, you will succumb to the thoughts and feelings and make a mess of things.

Your lack of trust in your husband is parallel to the holes in your trust in God. Fill your holes with trust in God and it will automatically rectify the trust barriers with your husband. This is an awesome opportunity for you to become more awesome! I hope you take advantage.

May God bless you with Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding;

Joy to the World

Dear Joy… Hope for the Hopeless

Dear Joy,

I am a, 20 something, single woman and sometimes I think maybe marriage is not worth it. I have never been married and it’s hard to meet someone on the same wave length as me. I mean, if he has it together financially and educationally, he doesn’t spiritually. Or vice versa. Then, there are the guys who don’t want to even think about marriage, because they’re keeping their options open.

I mean, I have friends that are married and some that are divorced already. Their marriages don’t seem all that great. They are constantly into it over stupid things, posting petty statuses on social media about each other. Some even know that their spouse is cheating, but refuse to confront them. Don’t get me started on the ones who have confronted their spouse but, the spouse hasn’t changed their actions.

I just don’t think dating to get married is worth the trouble if it’s just going to end up like all the marriages around me. Am I right or is there hope?

 

Hi Almost Hopeless,

I, indeed, know there is hope that “dating to get married is worth it.” Actually, there are current examples that are more tangible than hope. You just have to change the channel of the reality you are watching. Yes, there are many bad marriages that will absolutely discourage anyone with a brain, from desiring such a union. However, there are also many examples of good marriages, that will evoke much hope and joy at the thought of wedded bliss. Shift your gaze. Talk to people who are successfully married. Get an understanding of what having a successful marriage means. If you do not know anyone with a healthy marriage, go find a book about marriage. If you’re not a reader, find some you tube videos teaching on the concept of Godly marriages.

It’s likely, that your perspective of what makes a person a good husband, or what makes you a good wife, could use a reality check. The fact that you can’t seem to find this “ideal” man (who possesses everything) is a good indicator that your perception of what makes a man compatible needs adjusting. Trust me when I tell you, if you attempt to build a marriage on your own concepts, morals and principals…it’s doomed. A good marriage is built on Godly principals, not human understanding, desires and measurements.

As you are talking to people, reading, and viewing positive evidence, you will gain an understanding of the necessary components of a healthy marriage. This new understanding and insight will transform you and your perspective. It will also equip you with tools that will enable you to have good relationships with all people including your future husband. Purposeful dating that leads to marriage is absolutely wonderful; because God made marriage and everything God made is good (whoop whoop)!

Thanks for writing and posting your question. May God bless you with Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding!

Sincerely;
Joy to the World